Not Having Kids is Selfish? Let’s Turn That Around.
One of my favorite arguments I see constantly—usually from men, but sometimes from parents in general—is that being childfree is “selfish.”
So let’s break that statement down.
Why is it selfish for a childfree woman, man, or anyone to thoughtfully evaluate their life and decide they don’t want to be a parent? Why is it selfish to recognize that maybe they don’t have the resources, the energy, the emotional bandwidth, or the desire to raise a child and then make the responsible choice not to? That’s not selfish—that’s honest. That shows self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
Some childfree people even once wanted children. I was one of them. But I love my potential children too much to bring them into a world where I can’t protect them or provide what they deserve. I grew up taking care of adults who should have been taking care of me, and I personally refuse to spend the rest of my life repeating that cycle. That’s not selfishness—it’s self-preservation and cycle-breaking.
And honestly, let’s name what’s actually selfish:
Having a child just to fit in.
Having a child because everyone around you did.
Having a child as a vanity project or a mini-me.
Having a child to fix a relationship, to keep someone from leaving, or to feel loved.
Having a child because you want someone to take care of you one day.
That’s not parenthood, no that’s emotional outsourcing.
Because the truth is, raising a child should be an act of radical giving. It should be about nurturing another human being into their fullest potential, not about using them to fulfill your own needs.
And here’s the kicker: what’s so wrong with being “selfish,” anyway? Women are told from birth that our highest value is how much we can give away—our time, our bodies, our energy, our careers, our autonomy.
But what if putting yourself first isn’t selfish? What if it’s the first radical act of self-love you’ve ever done?
And let’s be real—when someone calls me selfish for choosing to enjoy my life, my freedom, and my time, what they’re really saying is: “I wish I could do that too.” They’re not angry because I’m “living wrong.” They’re angry because I’m living free. Because I have the audacity to design my life around my joy instead of societal obligation. Because I can wake up every day and decide what I want to do—and that kind of freedom shakes people who built their lives on expectation.
Maybe choosing a childfree life isn’t about rejection—it’s about redirection. About pouring your time, energy, and care into yourself, your relationships, your passions, your community. That’s not selfish—that’s expansive.
So let’s flip the question once and for all: Who’s truly selfish here? The person who looked at life and said, “You know what, parenting isn’t for me,” or the person who brought a child into the world to fill a hole they refused to heal themselves?
Her Childfree Life exists because of readers who support the work through The Full Blog — where I share early releases, longer essays, and members-only reflections.