5 Signs You Don't Actually Want Kids
So many women spend years assuming they must want kids at some point because that is what literally everyone tells us. It’s “natural.” It’s “what women are made for.” It’s the inevitable next step after marriage, or hell, even just the next step after turning 30. But here’s the secret no one likes to admit: wanting kids isn’t automatic or guaranteed. It’s not some biological switch that flips on at a certain age.
People will tell you that eventually you’ll “grow up” and want them, that one day you will wake up and realize that a child is all you want.
No. You. Fucking. Don’t.
I waited forever for that so-called maternal instinct to kick in. It never did. It wasn’t until I was 29, when I stumbled across a childfree podcast, that I finally felt seen and realized: I don’t actually want kids. It felt liberating coming to my truth and saying it out loud to everyone. It actually is the whole reason I am starting this blog and my website.
If you’ve been feeling unsure, that doesn’t mean you’re broken or confused. It might actually mean you’re closer to clarity than you think. Maybe you actually don’t want kids and you just live in a world that tells you you’re supposed want to.
Here are 5 signs that I think mean the desire for children isn’t really yours it’s just the script you were handed. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t.
Sign #1: You’re More Excited About the Idea Than the Reality
Do you get excited about baby showers, tiny clothes, picking out names, or saving the perfect Instagram-worthy nursery? But when you actually imagine raising a child to adulthood, you feel anxious, drained, straight-up uninterested, or maybe even an overwhelming sense of dread?
Maybe you dream of the matching outfits with a little girl, or the tiny suit for a baby boy. You picture the family holiday card, the pumpkin patch photo, the Pinterest-perfect milestones. Oh it’s all so cute isn’t it?
However, when you really start thinking about the logistics of having a child, it all seems like such a nightmare. People tell you that you will figure it out, but it just seems like an insurmountable task and you’re about to fall into a trap.
Look, you might hate me for saying this, but here’s the truth: you may not actually want a child. You might just want an aesthetic.
Sign #2: You Feel Pressure, Not Desire
Every time someone asks, “So when are you having kids?” you don’t feel excited. You feel stressed, cornered, maybe even annoyed. Why do they keep asking? Can’t they mind their own business? I remember one person even asked me if I even knew how to make babies ffs.
There’s a big difference between a genuine, internal desire to nurture a baby, raise a child, survive the teenage years, and build a great relationship with an adult kid versus external pressure telling you that you “should” have kids and figure it out along the way. The former is desire, the later is conditioning.
You should never have a child just because someone else said, “Trust me, it’ll be the best decision you ever made.” That’s not advice, it’s recruitment. The patriarchy thrives on women giving in without planning or forethought. It wants you overwhelmed so you don’t think. It wants you to just shut up and have the child already instead of putting yourself first, thinking it through, and if you do have one, planning to be able to provide for that child and make sure you are as stable as you can be.
Sign #3: You’re Focused on Avoiding Regret, Not on Building a Family
You worry, “What if I regret not having kids?” more than you actually daydream about having them. That’s not longing, that’s fear-based decision-making. That’s you considering bringing a whole ass person into this world because you’re scared you might regret not doing it. But let’s really be honest here, shouldn’t a child only be brought into the world ONLY if they’re truly and genuinely wanted?
Maybe you’re afraid of ending up alone. That’s a very valid human fear, but it still doesn’t warrant creating another human just to soothe your loneliness. And let’s be real—having kids doesn’t guarantee you won’t end up alone. Do you know how many estranged parents there are? Or how many people place their parents in nursing homes anyway? Children don’t automatically equal companionship.
Sign #4: You Dread the Lifestyle, Not Just the Hard Parts
Everyone knows parenting is hard. People joke about diapers, sleepless nights, or tantrums in the grocery store or restaurants. But if the entire lifestyle sounds miserable to you—school drop-offs, PTA meetings, soccer practice, homework battles, tutoring, endless scheduling—that’s worth paying attention to.
Because here’s the truth: diapers are temporary. The baby stage is temporary. But parenthood? That’s forever. You’re not just dealing with spit-up and teething. You’re shaping a whole human being, with endless unknowns and variables. And if your life is anything like mine, you know that if something can go wrong, it will. Nothing ever goes to plan.
If the blueprint of parenthood sounds suffocating instead of exciting, that’s not just dislike for the “hard parts.” That’s clarity.
Sign #5: You Already Feel Complete Without Kids
This one’s powerful. You don’t feel a gaping hole in your life. You’re not sitting around waiting for motherhood to make you whole. You already feel full through your relationships, your passions, your career, your pets, your chosen family, and/or your freedom.
Wholeness doesn’t come from motherhood; it comes from alignment with what you actually want. And if you already feel grounded and happy in the life you’ve built, that’s not a flaw to fix. That’s a sign you don’t need kids to feel complete.
Your life isn’t a half-finished story without children. It’s already valid, whole, and worth celebrating exactly as it is.
And in Conclusion…
If these signs resonate with you, maybe it’s not that you “don’t know yet.” Maybe you already do know — you’ve just been told not to trust yourself. Here’s your permission slip: it’s okay to not want kids. Your clarity is valid. Your choice is valid. Your life is valid.
When I was deciding whether I wanted kids, I asked myself 50 hard, honest questions. I turned them into a guide for anyone who wants to explore this for themselves.
And if none of these signs apply to you and you’re leaning toward having kids? All the power to you. I sincerely wish you the best, I have nothing but respect for mothers and parents, because raising good kids into good people I believe is one of the hardest jobs out there. It’s not what I want for my life, but I do love children and I want the best for them.
That’s why I’ll always vote for and support policies that uplift mothers and families, just as fiercely as I’ll fight for the rights of those of us who are childfree. Because at the end of the day, I am a feminist. And feminism is about choice. Always.
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